My reluctant road to meditation

Yet, I continue to follow where it leads

The first time I meditated was around 2005/2006. I was in my baby 20s. I had been reading Riding the Dragon by Robert Wicks and The Fasting Path by Stephen Harrod Buhner. I sat in my $350/month, 300 sq studio apartment alone, crossed legged on the dimpled carpet, next to the mattress, both bed and couch.

I took cues from the books to begin. I sat quietly and rocked ever so gently front to back and said "OM" over and over again. I know I know! I get it. I know what you're thinking. At the time I truly had no clue I was doing. I was just giving something new a try. It was innocent and free of any foregone conclusions. I blasted right off into the imaginal realm(s).

All of the sudden I was in a small cottage home. The floor was dirt, a single room. There was a fire, cob walls, a thatched roof. A light-haired woman sat at a wooden table. I walked outside. A beautiful sunny day on a hilltop overlooking a village. The grass tall and golden. A creek ran along the side the cottage with a huge water wheel spinning in slow motion. I wandered down the hill into the village where tents were set and people milled about and worked. I walked to the metal forge tent where a large man with dark features looked up from his work at me.

And as quickly as it all started, it stopped.

Poof. Back into my little apartment.

I was scared shitless. Wtf was that? Who were those people!?! What was I doing there? Was it a past life regression? Was it a dream? And if it was a dream, then wtf are dreams actually? Why had it happened then? Who was I?!

There was no mention of such things in these books. I had so many questions and no one to ask. I told some people and no one had ever experienced something similar. Such is the burden of oppressed souls. I eventually became slightly embarrassed of the whole ordeal and put it down.

After this experience I had zero desire to meditate. In fact I was genuinely scared of it. So for the better part of the next 10 years I basically just drank my ass off and buried myself into "the real world". My aversion to meditation grew. It scared me more and more. I fought it hard. I didn't want to get quiet. I didn't understand.

It wasn't until 2016 I would round another corner without really knowing what I was getting myself into. I began my certification in Herbalism and sure enough, meditation snuck in the back door like cleavers on your pants. And much like cleavers on your pants, it's cute and all, but not really a super practical place to keep cleavers, you know, on your pants. So I pulled the meditative aspects of herbalism out like you would, well cleavers on your pants.

And naturally, when you take the meditative aspects out of something, all that is left are facts and figures/knowable knowledge. I found myself studying with many gifted practitioners, obtaining certifications and completing programs; gaining knowledge in all sorts of areas regarding health, wellbeing, and spirituality. I found myself insatiable when it came to obtaining knowledge. I thought that one day I would finally know enough to feel good. If I could know all there was to know about a thing then I could be sated and this persistent feeling like I’m missing something would go away because I would know everything, right?

All the while, I fought the stillness. The more I fought it, the more I needed it, the more I needed it the more I drank and numbed out. I was afraid of where the stillness would lead me. I was afraid of the power that lay just below the surface, that came on so easily that first try. I was afraid of hearing my own voice rumbling around inside.

And so it was that I fought the work until work worked me and around 5 years ago now my body began to physically make me meditate. I know that sounds a little ridiculous so let me explain.

I was in a pretty bad place 5 years ago, like many of us - we all have our stories. Hindsight, I can see quite clearly now after stopping drinking, I was thoroughly stuck an egoic mental maze and twirling the drain of alcohol addiction. It was a crisis of spirit and I didn't totally realize at the time. All I knew was I would get these spells of dizziness and nausea that would come over me so hard and fast that I was forced to sit down and be still. I could not calm these states unless I sat down and got quiet. When I would sit down and get quiet - I could hear my body say "focus on your breath". Since my head was spinning at the time, having the breath to focus on helped me so much. I began to rely on the breath in many ways. "Following the breath" became a practice all on it's own. The breath! Of course. Something consistent I can hold on to. Something I can reach out to, that will always reach back. The breath is an innate intelligence, nearly an entity of their own, present for your engagement pleasure from the moment post-womb to the moment pre-tomb, the breath guides you.

There was a room of helplessness I found within the physical body and living in that room lead me to meditation. There was no where else to go. This went on for several months and then I began to realize if I offered myself the meditation on my terms, my body wouldn't "make" me when I'd pushed beyond my limits.

Since then I came to study and understand meditation most through my own experiences with my body and my body's experience within the world around me. I have studied many traditions and with many practitioners. The practices I've come to are a combination of everything I have learned and it's a perspective I use for my system. I have come to learn about the worlds we visit when we meditate, when we journey, and the messages we get during those sessions are of vital importance, not just for your individual life, but for the lives of us all. We are all connected, for who or through what I am not certain, but I know we are connected.

I cannot find dogma within the body, and so, there is no dogma in the mediation I practice. Working to reestablish a connection of knowing that is within us all, and perceptible only through the body. The knowing is within you. From this anchor, life flourishes.

I wrote this recent post to offer a glimpse into my reluctant road to mediation. Meditation was not an easily won path for me and I learn more and more each day. Mediation is a practice that continues to grow into deeper, more intimate recesses of my being; and like mycelium on tree roots in spring, I continue to follow where it leads.

I am currently offering guided meditation weekly. You can find more information at my website: erinfrancesearthling.com