what I really want to say
sliding like hot greasy cheese
When the prompt is “what I really want say” you put it off because what you really want to say is something that you’ve never even allowed yourself the opportunity to think, because thoughts like this are the spark to a fuse that leads to a life imploding…
We don’t say what we really want for myriad reasons. But mostly because not saying it somehow feels more safe, more comfortable, more stable. What we don’t realize is that not saying what we really want keeps the outside the exact way it is and continuously distorts the inside.
What I really want to say is that I am scared. Of the life I’ve chosen and the path that I’m on. I’m nervous to be living on the edge of what is and how it’s going to be.
I have always been a night time dreamer. Always vivid and full of insights. Always saying precisely what I want. Every pad-locked “I’m sorry” and bottled up “You must be mistaken me for someone who is interested in your opinion”, is unleashed in an adrenaline rush of pure humanity. It’s not difficult for me to be vulnerable in my dreams. A perfect mirror for who I think I am and who I want to be.
The more of my own truth I speak in the real world though the more authentic my life becomes. Those that can’t stomach my truth slide like hot greasy cheese off my plate. Those that can, get a deep dive into the messy, murky, marvelous, dark matter of my soul. Only then do I become vulnerable enough to purge my magic at their feet. Asking them to witness all of me. The miraculously lovely, curiously lonely, charmingly vulgar, passionately rebellious wonder that I am. As I witness them witnessing me I finally understand the mirror. The mirror of my dreams.